I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
