Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Randomize
