how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
