If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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