dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
