Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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