You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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