Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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