You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Randomize
