I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
