end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
"women exchanges sex for chips" on msnbc
damn even the hoes are getting hit by this economy
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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