One girl and one boy is just not enough.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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