Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
