So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
