that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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