My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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