I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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