I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
