I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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