I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
