Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
