I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
