yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Randomize
