the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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