So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
