I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
