The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
