i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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