hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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