you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Randomize
