girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
