My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
