I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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