You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
