I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
