Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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