didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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