you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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