i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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