Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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