Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Randomize
