I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
