i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Randomize
