Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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