I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
