I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Randomize
