Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
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