I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
It's official drugs can't kill me
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
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