Moan for me like Helen Keller
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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