so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
