i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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