Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
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