Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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