I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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